


I am a Question to the World

by therealmnemo



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anders Week 2016, Angst, Character Death, Drabble, Drabble Collection, F/M, Kidfic, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Papa Anders - Freeform, Papa Justice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-05 23:11:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6727276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therealmnemo/pseuds/therealmnemo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My collection of drabbles for Anders Week 2016 hosted by <a href="http://teamblueandangry.tumblr.com/">teambluandangry</a></p><p>Here's a link to my Anders<a href="http://therealmnemo.tumblr.com/post/144403398289/im-still-here-an-anders-fanmix-im-still-here">Fanmix</a>, it's pretty much what I listened to while writing these.</p><p>Monday - Justice Day / And Baby Makes Four (Anders x Justice x f!Hawke)<br/>Tuesday - Ship Day / All Soul's Day (Ander x Karl, Anders x Nathaniel, Anders x Hawke, Anders x Fenris)<br/>Wednesday - Anders on the Run / Hireath (Gen)<br/>Thursday - Young Anders Day / A Reason to Stay (Anders x Karl)<br/>Friday - Anders and Cats / *sadly missed this day*<br/>Saturday - AU Day / The Layover - Memories (Anders x Fenris)<br/>Sunday - Tranquility Reversal Day / I'm Still Here (Gen)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And Baby Makes Four

Justice realized it first, long before Anders and Hawke.

They were curled up in an abandoned cottage outside Nevarra. Two years on the run.

**She is too loud.**

Anders shifted into consciousness and tightened his grip around Hawke’s sleeping form.

_What?_

**She is too loud. She is quiet during the day, when you are awake, but when you sleep… she is too loud.**

_Justice, what are you on about? Hawke is sleeping._

**No, not Hawke. It is the new soul you made. She is too loud.**

Justice’s comment rolled around in Anders head briefly.

**Does Hawke not hear her?**

_Justice, she is a baby not a spirit._

A baby.

Anders moved his arm from Hawke’s waist to her arm to wake her, to ask if she knew or suspected.

No, this could wait until morning. She needed to rest.

His arm wrapped around her waist once more. His palm flush against her abdomen as he let his magic roam.

There. A small second life.

**She feels you. Now that you know she is there, she will be quiet.**

He doesn’t wipe away his tears of joy.

* * *

The last time Anders felt this exhausted, he was hunched over a desk in Darktown. When Hawke left to help Varric, that left Anders to care for the small bundle that was Ava.

He was worried. He could barely take care of himself most days and the thought of his little girl’s well being in his hands… it was daunting.

Justice helped.

In the hours Anders actually slept, Justice maneuvered his body to calm the child that cried at night. The blue glow washed over her tiny face and reflected in her eyes.

When Anders’ attention would wrap too tightly around a task, Justice pulled him back to remind him of Ava.

Justice made sure Anders did not miss Ava’s first words. When the little bairn babbled in her bassinet he roused Anders from sleep so he could hear the small ‘da’ she repeated.

Anders body felt the warmth radiated by Justice when months later she said ‘juss’ for the first time.

Justice feared scaring her with his booming voice. He worked with Anders daily on being able to talk through Anders' own voice. They eventually managed a tame monotone, but it would be enough.

* * *

When Ava takes her first steps, it only feels right to Anders that Justice have a chance to hold her steady.

Justice kneels and holds her small hands. Ava is bundled for the cold weather. Her legs wobble and she squeals. He doesn’t let go, he resists the urge to pick her up and hold her. This little child means so much. More than just a byproduct of their cause, she is his just as much as she is of Anders and Hawke.

He leans down to press a kiss on a crown covered by golden locks.

“ **I will never let you fall.** ”


	2. All Soul's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders lights four candles on All Soul's Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe some people just aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through. It's like some people just come through our lives to bring us something: a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn. And that's why they're here. You'll have that gift forever.”  
> Danielle Steel - The Gift

On All Soul’s Day, Anders sits alone on the floor and considers the four candles in a row by his feet. He longer considered himself religious, but this night was still important. Tonight he would make peace with the pain, come to terms with these holes in his heart.

 

He lit the blue one for Karl.

Anders crawled into Karl’s bed that night. Two months spent apart between their Harrowings erased in a single embrace. Karl curled around Anders’ form and turned the new silver ring on the younger mage’s finger. There were no words spoken that night as Anders turned to press his body against Karl’s. They were together again, but for how long? It was too dangerous to want, to say the words that danced on the tip of his tongue. Instead his mouth claimed Karl’s, declaring his love for the first time in the only way he knew how.

When Anders pushed his forehead against a Tranquil sun in a Chantry in Kirkwall, he still couldn’t say it. What good was it when it could never be returned? He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, he can only remember holding Karl on the first night when he thought he would never hold him again.

Sometimes the only way to help is to let something die.

_The blue candle was for Mercy._

 

He lit the black one for Nathaniel.

In Peace, Vigilance. In War, Victory. In Death, Sacrifice.

It was too easy to get under his skin, but the raven-haired pariah gave back just as good as he got. What started as a playful flirtation turned into quick, passionate trysts in the barracks. When their fellow brothers-in-arms watched Nathaniel tear off after Anders and his smart mouth, they missed the rogue pinning the mage against the side wall of the keep, robes hiked up around his waist.

Even though they never agreed on anything, they both knew what it was to be hated just for who they were. They both ended up in this fraternity after having nowhere else to go.

Anders escaped the siege of Vigil’s Keep by running away, again. Nathaniel died in blue and grey.

In Peace, Vigilance. In War, Victory. In Death, Sacrifice.

_The black candle was for Sacrifice._

 

He lit the red one for Hawke.

Anders wrapped his arms around Hawke and stared into the fireplace. The sheer relief of the door to the estate being unlocked left him dizzy. He lost track of how long he stood staring at the handle, terrified that he would find it locked—terrified he would find it open. Hawke deserved someone better, but damned if Hawke wasn’t everything Anders wanted. In life, in a friend, in a lover.  Every kiss down the side of their neck, he remembered every selfless act Hawke performed. Saving the city, saving their friends, saving him.

Hawke was not only his anchor, but the Elf’s too. They sat across from each other when the letter came from Varric that Hawke given their life so that Warden Stroud could return to Weisshaupt. Anders bit his tongue until he could taste copper, wanted to scream about Hawke always needing to be the martyr.

That’s just it. It was never about Hawke, it was about those they gave a second chance. Their brother, the Wardens, and in front of a city on fire, Anders himself.

_The red candle was for Redemption._

 

He lit the white one for Fenris.

Combative. If there was one word for the tattooed elf, it was such. Even when they were miles from Kirkwall, both under the protection of Hawke, the two faces of the same coin couldn’t bring themselves to meet in the middle. Even though Fenris was no longer pursued by his past, he was once again on the run because of Anders’. Their fragile peace held by Champion that slept between them each night.

... and then Hawke…

Anders was prepared for another fight, but instead he found compromise. These arguments, these past indiscretions were so trivial in comparison to what they both lost. He leveled his gaze at Fenris across the table and the tension that he always seemed to hold melted away. They held each other that night, only falling asleep when there were no more tears to spend. They forged a new covenant that night that wouldn’t be broken.

Three years ago, Anders held Fenris close again into the early morning when the light of his lyrium lines flickered out for the last time.

_The white candle was for Serenity._

 

Blue light skims over his body when the the candles are nothing but pools of wax. He curls up on his side and hugs his knees. Each spent candle a weight lifted from his heart. When he sniffs, he only has one last thought before he falls asleep.

_I’m sorry I won’t be able to light one for you, Justice._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear this was more put together in my head when I tried to sleep last night, and apologies for not being able to turn the angst in my brain off.


	3. Hiraeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders' first escape and first rescue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought Anders' first escape was an accident.

It didn’t start as an escape. 

The sun shone over Lake Calenhad and two Templars stood with a Senior and Junior Enchanter as they watched the young apprentices tread water. Older teens closer to their Harrowing helped the smaller children stay afloat, showed them how to kick their feet without slipping under the water. The warm summer days were perfect to let the young mages stretch their bodies and soak up the sun’s rays. A little slice of heaven. 

Nobody noticed the young apprentice that floated outside the group.   
  


Anders—or at least that’s what they called him, and he refused to break his silence to correct them—floated on his back and and closed his eyes. These small retreats outside the tower were the best thing to happen since being taken to the Circle last fall. He was able to remove himself from the group on each outing, have some alone time to sift through his thoughts. He still missed home terribly, still refused to talk to anyone, still couldn’t believe he was cursed by the Maker. 

He rolled to his stomach and lazily stroked through the lake, careful to keep to some invisible tether to the group in his mind to keep the Templars from thinking he was trying to run away. 

_ What if...I just kept swimming? _

The thought had never crossed his mind. He made peace with the fact that, in his thirteenth year, he would spend the rest of his life sequestered from the world. He looked to the docks where the Templars were in conversation with the Enchanters, barely paying attention to their charges.

_ Why would children that never knew any different beyond this tower try to run? _

Anders looked to the South, where Lake Calenhad stretched past the horizon, and swam.  
  


Two days later, Anders stumbled across a river that spilled into the lake, outside the edge of a Bannorn that sprawled along the river’s mouth.  His robes were still damp where they never completely dried from his swim. His stomach rumbled. A farmer’s child that was used to food being available had no survival gathering skill. 

The sound of a bear roaring in the forest beside him nearly caused him to soil his already damp smalls. The desperate cry of a man and his hunting party compelled his feet to run in the opposite direction of safety. 

Anders came upon the bear swiping at a man on his knees. He was curled in on himself with his arms wrapped around his neck to protect the delicate body part.  The man’s party dashed off towards the Bannorn, leaving him to his fate. 

The fireball left Anders’ hands before he could change his mind. The bear reared back, the smell of singed fur filling Anders’ nose. The lightning he just learned to call up weeks ago followed the initial assault and the bear turned tail and ran. 

Anders ran to the man who had lifted up and watched the entire exchange. There was fear in his eyes. No longer for the bear, but for the gangly Ander child that just saved his life. Anders froze, suddenly afraid that stopping to help this man just cost him his escape back to his home. 

The deep gouges along the man’s back erased the panic from his mind, he needed to help. 

He dropped to his knees beside the shaking man, pulling from the Fade. Of all the magic that he had at his fingertips, healing had come easiest of all. The older Enchanters whispered something about being a Spirit Healer, but they couldn’t be certain until after his Harrowing. That would be years down the road. 

Once every piece of flesh was repaired, he bowed his head and cried. 

 

The man, Bann Ferrenly, took him back to the Southern Bannorn. He made sure Anders was bathed, fed, and that his clothes were dry. He sat with Anders on a bench in a courtyard and talked with him about his family and the Circle. 

Once they reached a lull, the Bann sighed.

“You know they’re coming to get you today, right?”

Anders looked up at the man with tears in his eyes.  The past week of freedom almost made him forget that the men that left the Bann behind had seen the lightning cast in the forest. The Bann wanted to hide it, wanted to let him go for saving his life, but such was Chantry law. He couldn’t be seen harboring an apostate so close to the Circle.

“I want you to have this, the Fox is a sigil of my house.” He placed the pendant in Anders’ hands and closed his fingers over top. “You have a good heart lad, and a gift. Magic was meant to serve man, not be hidden away.”

Anders sniffed and quickly shoved the pendant into his robes so that the Templars coming across the lawns wouldn’t see it, take it. 

“Thank you, My Lord.”

The Bann gave the small Ander child a hug before rising to walk with him to meet the Templars. One of them removed his helmet and kneeled down to meet Anders face to face. 

“Anders, what did you think you were doing?”

Anders lifted his chin and looked into the Templar’s eyes before answering anyone from the Circle for the first time.

“I just wanted to go home.”


	4. A Reason To Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After passing his Harrowing, Anders find a small reason to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day late on this one : / I'm working on the next one right now. Kinda had a rough day. Hope you like it :)

Anders gasped for breath and tried to get his eyes to focus.

First Enchanter Irving was there, holding his arm and running a hand down his back. Once his breath started evening out, Irving took Anders’ chin and looked into his eyes. He mumbled something that Anders didn’t quite understand as Irving moved his hand to his forehead and felt a pulse a magic course through his body.

He passed. He was here, he was alive, he was whole.

Anders was still delirious from the lyrium as the Templars pulled him off the table and into the hallways. He barely realized that they weren’t guiding him back to the apprentice’s quarters. He felt like he was forgetting something, but couldn’t quite grasp what it could be.

The Templars left him sitting on the end of his new bed in the dormitories set aside for those that passed their Harrowing. Not quite as large as the apprentice’s rooms, but still large enough to hold several mages, still open enough to deny privacy.

As soon as Anders leaned back against the pillow, he remembered.

_His mother’s pillow._

It was still in the apprentice’s quarters.

He pushed off the bed and moved on shaky limbs to the staircase that led to the lower floor, guarded by two Templars.

“Please, I need, I left something in my room.”

The younger blond Templar looked nervous, but responded as he was commanded.  “Everything you need is in your new room, Anders.”

Anders wobbled on his feet as he reached out to the Templar.

“Please, Ser… I left, I need…”

A strong arm wrapped around Anders waist and pulled him back from the Templar. Anders looked down to see the arm covered in Enchanter’s robes.

“I apologize, Ser Cullen. Anders is still recovering from his Harrowing, I will help him back to his rooms.”

The young Templar blushed and simply nodded back to Anders’ rescuer.

Led by an arm still around his waist and on his shoulder, Anders made it back to his room. The Enchanter helped him into bed, pulled the blankets up to his chin. A hand brushed across his forehead and he couldn’t help it, he started to cry.

The Enchanter dropped to his knees beside the bed and whispered, “Shh,  Anders. It’s alright.”

Anders looked into the stormy blue eyes that were even with his own. He had seen this Enchanter teaching some of the older apprentices, watched him lead new apprentices to their rooms. Enchanter Karl always had a smile for him. He watched as Karl picked something off the floor and slipped it under Anders’ fingers.

Karl had retrieved his mother’s pillow.

“I knew you’d make it Anders. I knew the Templars immediately move new mages away after their Harrowing, I knew they would never give you a chance to come back and—”

Anders cut him off with a timid kiss. He was so grateful that someone thought of him, like he was worth something.

Maybe the Circle wasn’t so bad after all.


	5. The Layover - Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While on the plane, and his phone dead, Anders remembers the moments that stuck out when thinking of Leto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a section out of the Fenders AU I'm writing and I figured it would be the best thing for AU day. 
> 
> As always, hope you like it :)

With his phone dead and unable to stop thinking about the decision to leave Leto in the past, Anders settled into the window seat and remembered. 

 

_ Sophomore Year _

 

“I think he’s going to ask Hawke to Homecoming.”

Anders looked up from his Biology notes to look at Isabela. She was draped over the back of her chair and halfway onto his own desk. He didn’t need to ask, but he did anyway.

“Who, Izzie?”

With one hand she hid the side of her face open to the rest of her room and pointed a finger with a wildly adorned nail across the room.  Anders followed the direction to the dark-haired boy slouching in his seat near the door. 

They didn’t have any classes together Freshman year, but somehow all ended up at the same lunch table every day. Hawke seemed to pick her favorite person out of every class and decided they would just all be friends. Just like that. 

Aveline didn’t count, they were friends since childhood. Varric encouraged her wild exaggerations in English. She saved Merrill from nearly mixing up a dangerous toxic gas in their science class. Art with Isabela was never boring as she always painted less-than tasteful nudes. She argued with Sebastian in their History class and graciously tutored Anders himself through their Math class. 

Then she picked up Leto in their typing class. Anders never understood how he ended up in their little group at lunch. Always quiet and broody in stark contrast to their fellow misfits. 

Anders watched as Sebastian leaned forward to whisper something into Leto’s ears. Whatever it was, it made his dark skin flush and and pushed Sebastian’s face back with his hand. 

“I honestly don’t know what she sees in him, I feel like he’s just silently judging us every day.”

Izzie shrugged and pulled the pen from her ponytail to draw a ridiculous blue dick across the top of his notebook. Anders just sighed and waited until she was finished, otherwise the page would be filled and his notes completely defaced. 

“Maybe it’s her parents? I know they both live on the same street over in Hightown.”

Anders tossed another look at Leto and shrugged as the dismissal bell rang.

 

He ran into Leto on the way out of the school building and let curiosity get the better of him.

“Hey, Leto.. hold up!”

Leto stopped and checked his cell phone briefly. “I better not miss my bus.” 

Anders fidgeted with the straps of his backpack, not entirely sure what the hell he was thinking. 

“Um, I was curious who you were asking to Homecoming? I’m thinking of taking Hawke and thought maybe we could split dinner?”

“I didn’t realize that was assumed, I planned on asking Hawke to go with me on the way home.” 

“Well, I think it would be obvious that I’d be taking—”

“Hey guys, check out these queers arguing over who’s taking it tonight!”

Anders defenses flipped on like a switch. He many not be able to throw a punch, but he could talk shit if he needed to and he wasn’t going to let some fucking jock have a go at him. 

“Jealous Cullen? I hear all you’ve been doing in the locker room this season is taking it.”

Anders braced when the tall blond tossed down his duffel bag and advanced on him. He heard a fist connect with skin, but no pain came. He opened his eyes to survey the damage and there was only Cullen on the ground touching his split lip with his hands and staring up at Leto. Leto just sucker-punched a football player twice his size to protect him.  

Before the kids walking to the parking lots could get a chance to congregate around the scene, Cullen hopped up and rushed to the student parking lot, not giving them another look back. 

Anders reached out to Leto, who was still boring a hole in the back of Cullen’s retreating head and breathing heavily. “Hey, let me see your hand.” 

Leto kept his eyes to the ground as he offered his left fist to Anders. 

“It doesn’t look like it’s damaged at all. You, uh… you didn’t have to do that you know. I need to stop letting my mouth run like that when I can’t back it up.” 

Leto didn’t lift his eyes but blushed darker than he did during Biology.  “It’s fine, you didn’t deserve some dumb jock pounding on you because of his own insecurities.” 

Anders chuckled as he let Leto’s hand go. The sound of hissing air signaled the busses were pulling out. 

Leto suddenly went rigid. “Shit. My parents are going to be pissed I missed the bus.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. My house is down the way, you could walk with me and then my parents can take you home after they get back form work? Just tell your parents you have a school project to work on.” 

Leto pulled out his phone and stared at it again, body still tensed. Anders gave him a friendly slap on the back.

“C’mon, it’s better than sitting here waiting. My parents are always home late… it would be nice to have a friend over.” 

Leto finally shoved his phone in his back pocket and grinned. “Alright. I like spending as little time as possible at home. Lead the way.” 


	6. I'm Still Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders on the Reversal of Tranquility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I want a moment to be real,  
> Wanna touch things I don't feel,  
> Wanna hold on and feel I belong.  
> And how can they say I never change?  
> They’re the ones that stay the same.  
> I’m the one now,  
> ‘Cause I’m still here.  
> I'm Still Here - Johnny Rzeznik

I’m still here. 

 

At twelve, I was dragged away in chains for the crime of being a mage. 

 

I fell in love in the Circle, and punished with my lover being sent away. 

 

A year in solitary left my mind and soul forever splintered. 

 

I escaped the Circle seven times only to be chained by the Taint. 

 

I joined with a spirit of Justice to survive being hunted down by a Chantry determined to see me dead or branded. 

 

I gave up my worldly wants and needs, unlike the Chantry sisters, to heal the sick and wounded and poor of Kirkwall. 

 

I killed my lover rather than have him live in the shell of Tranquility. 

 

There is only a memory garden in Kirkwall where the Chantry once stood. 

 

I’m still here. 

 

My heart is pounding. The courtyard of the garden is clear and silent, it will be hours before the nobility and and spectators gather. 

 

I didn’t believe it when the Seeker came to Hawke. Tranquility can be reversed? 

 

Not without concessions. Mages no more, but able to feel again. 

 

I ache for Karl, but ten years more in Kirkwall would have seen him dead or abused before this cure apparead. 

 

Why am I here? They tell me it’s symbolic. That the man that lit the spark should be the one to lift the greatest punishments left by the fallen Circles. 

 

In this moment, I am justified. I am Maker blessed. I have been to the Void and not only returned but was able to bring my fellow souls with me. 

 

I am ready.

 

I’m still here. 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr!
> 
> main blog: [therealmnemo](http://therealmnemo.tumblr.com/) \- where I reblog practically anything but mostly Dragon Age  
> creative blog: [mnemosyneawrites](http://mnemosyneawrites.tumblr.com/) \- where all my fics, drabbles, drawings, and podfics live and take [prompts](http://mnemosyneawrites.tumblr.com/promptme)  
> anders and fenris blog: [teambluandangry](http://teamblueandangry.tumblr.com/) -Positive Art, Fanfiction, Headcanons, and Character Analysis for Fenris, Anders, and any ship they sail.  
> 


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